There's No Going Back Now

Sun, 20 May 2007 00:20:14 GMT

I succeeded in eating only 276 calories today (1 light yogurt and a mini bagel. I'm really just compensating for yesterday's binge. I was depressed today. I felt really emotional, yet numb. I don't know if this is just a side effect from starting Yaz (birth control pill) today, or just seeing my Grandma so depressed in the hospital.

Sat, 17 Feb 2007 22:08:15 GMT

I'm such a fat fuck. I haven't posted in awhile because I'm too embarassed about my eating. I was doing good, averaging around 600 for 2 weeks. But then the food binges began the day before Valentine's Day after I stopped cutting. I've been averaging around 2000-3000 cals/day. I lost control and everything is all going to hell. Yesterday, pre-binge, I weighed 111.5 lbs and that was in the morning, meaning I probably weigh more. I tried purging 5 times- all were failures because I don't know how to purge and I was so desperate that all my salivary glands in my throat went dry since I just kept trying. All that came up was saliva and water. When my fat body craves food, the hunger is unbearable, worse than it is when I don't eat for hours and am skinny. I feel like crap and my stomach is so fucking bloated that I can't wear shirts that are fitted to my stomach. Even worse, when I am hungry, the hunger pains are unbearable. I'm breaking out from all this goddamn sugar. So now I'm fat (getting fatter) with a crappy complextion.

I saw Underworld Revolution yesterday. The movie sucked, but I felt even more ashamed when I saw the sex scene with Kate Beckinsdale and that other dude. Her body was so perfect. Her thighs, her skin, and her stomach and hip bones were to die for. She has absolutely no pudge or body hair, and that really puts me to shame. I'll never look that good.

I've been depressed alot lately. It's weird because I go from a real sugar/drunken high to a suicidal low in the matter of a few hours. I hope I'm not bipolar. I've never been to a shrink or "analyzed" but I know I've got problems. I'm just not a whiner or attention-seeker. Damn I hate those people that bitch and moan about their depression and their eating problems. What the hell do they know about eating problems? I know lots of people have it worse than me, but it's really all too much on me. The binge-purge-starvation cycle needs to stop. It's ruining me.

Sun, 04 Feb 2007 18:40:27 GMT

I hallucinated again last night. It's so scary and I'm too afraid to tell anyone. I here things and see things and I just get so freaked out. I close my eyes, but then I hear things and my mind makes sense of it in ways I can't describe. Sometimes I can't even tell the difference between my dreams and my hallucinations. Thank god this only happens late at night because if it happened during the day, I'm sure I would be locked down in a psychiatric ward by now. Psychiatric advice would be good. Maybe I'll "google" it. I've been really depressed lately so maybe that has something to do with it...

CW: 109lbs

Sun, 04 Feb 2007 02:30:43 GMT

I went on another megabinge tonight. I was at a party, and people we looking at me like I hadn't eaten in days. I stuffed myself with cake, cookies, cupcakes, all that garbage. I bet I gained all my weight back in a few hours. I'd estimate I binged 3000-4000 calories today, more or less. I hate not having control. I lose myself to food, and that's the reason I restrict during the week. I'm fasting tomorrow and will hopefully last until Tuesday or Wednesday. Ugh. I hate myself and want to take a knife to my fat stomach. Fuck fat. I'm through!

Wed, 24 Jan 2007 03:40:14 GMT

fuck me

i ate

i gained

currently 112lbs= one incredibly fat girl

after my exams are over, i'm going to stop eating. i'll be done with food once and for all. i can't take this BS anymore. i hate stomach rolls!!!!!

Thu, 11 Jan 2007 01:01:02 GMT

I went on a bit of a binge today. I think it's because
Number One- my period is back, grr
Number Two- i've been hungry

80 1/2 c special k
120 graham crackers
100 yogurt
240 soup
150 chicken
70 1/2 potato
150 broccoli and cheese
=910 total

I think I'm going to be eating around this level because I'm dehydrated and I'm having my blood work done sometime soon. Gotta keep those electrolyte levels up! Anyway, I guess I'll be eating around 1000 (boo!) for the rest of the week. Still thinking thin..even though I'm feeling bloated and fat right now.

Wed, 10 Jan 2007 00:53:55 GMT

Today's Progress: 109 lbs, down 4 lbs in a week.

60 apple
170 soup
75 salad
220 pizza
110 orange juice
=645 calories

I've been feeling pretty crappy lately and I think it's due to my decreased cal intake. I feel really weak and tired. I'm considering up-ing my cal intake, but I'm afraid I won't lose the weight as quick. Still, I don't want my metabolism to be shot so I think I'll be eating 700-800 cals a day if I can make myself. I'm going to buy vitamin supplements this weekend because I don't want brittle hair again.

I'm beginning to the bones poke out of my back and hips. Yesterday, I saw the faint shape of my sternum. Unfortunately, my thighs have barely shrunk since they always go last.

I used to look like this

Mon, 08 Jan 2007 23:59:23 GMT

My fast lasted about 26 hours from Saturday to Sunday. I was a at a party so I had to eat in front of everyone. i skipped breakfast and dinner of course.

250 slice of pizza
230 small slice of cake
120 damn pretzels
=600 total calories yesterday, ffffffuck it should have been less

i definitely overate at dinner tonight.

Calorie Count for 01/08/07
120 3/4 c special k
30 1/4 of a cookie forced upon me
90 special k bar
100 yogurt
170 chicken noodle soup
160 baked potato
= 670 cals

i hate when i refuse food, more than once may i add, but people still force their disgusting cookies on me that are def not worth the cals. and, needless to say, i eat them because i'm courteous and polite...

This girl is my idol in terms of bod and fashion.

Down to 110

Sun, 07 Jan 2007 17:29:28 GMT

Hour 22.5 of fast
110lbs, down 2.5 from Friday
booyah

Welcome to my effing life

Sun, 07 Jan 2007 05:18:57 GMT

I absolutely love it when I say goodnight to my stepdad and he doesn't even look up from his newspaper. And he writes "Love, Dad" on all of his cards. The truth is I don't have a dad. No one is my dad. My biological father is a loser who left us when i was younger- whether it was a blessing or a misfortune, I'll never know. Then my mom met my stepdad, and 6 years later he expects me to call him dad. Though we've never discussed the matter, it's obviously implied. The fact is that he has never looked me in the face for more than 5 seconds unless he is yelling at me for some absurd reason. We have never even had a conversation thats lasted more than 2 minutes. Is this fatherly behavior? I don't know because my real dad was never around for me when I was growing up.

The truth is that anorexia is my escape. Hunger is such a comforting feeling. I feel it now because I haven't eaten in 10 hours and I plan on not eating until it is absolutely necessary, when it is between life and death.

Sun, 07 Jan 2007 01:19:01 GMT

i went shopping today. (shopping=<3love<3) i bought a few pairs of shoes and some clothes. i think i'm becoming a kleptomaniac because i feel so good when i see something i like and automatically buy it. oh well..

anyway, those damn mexicans have such great food that i totally binged on their food today. i had 2 enchiladas smothered in cheese. what the hell was i thinking? and then what did i do? i went home and ate 3 cookies. eating food just leads to more eating. ugh. anyway, i'm too afraid of weighing myself today. i'm guessing the scale is going to read the same number 112. i feel like it mocks me. no matter how much i dont eat, it always read 112. damned scale. maybe its my weird menstrual period that lasted 2 hours. i liked not having a period for 7 months, to be honest. it's so disgusting and the PMS and side effects that come with it- i absolutely loathed that 3-4 day period of time.

The daily calorie expenditure:
125- 3/4 cup cereal
75- small cup orange juice
100- yogurt
400- 2 small enchiladas with cheese
80- black beans
90- saffron rice
260- 3 unnecessary cookies that should not have been consumed in the 1st place
Total:1130

I guess today's a binge day.
Tomorrow's a catch-up day= mucho restriction

i decided that only thing that is going to motivate me is my ugly fat pictures. i also like to remember last summer. i would wake up and the first thing i would do would be feel my hipbones and ribs. it felt so good. it feels good to know that your weight is dropping. that your fat is slowly disappearing and beautiful bones replace it. the feeling of thin beats all.

Fri, 05 Jan 2007 02:28:31 GMT

Not bad today, considering I had been eating 2000+ cals all last week.

120 cals- 3/4 c special k
100 cals- soy crisps
60 cals- apple
100 cals- yogurt
85 cals- salad with almonds and low-fat vinagrette
235 cals- chicken w/ mango salsa

=an even 700 cals
+ about 15 mins of exercise (because i participate in PE)

I getting to the point where hunger is no longer the issue. the only issue is the desire to eat, to taste food that i have no need for.

Oldie, but a goodie....vintage chanel :)

Back Again

Wed, 03 Jan 2007 20:55:15 GMT

I'm so pissed at myself. This whole "weight-gaining" thing has gotten way out of control. Last June I was 97lbs. August- 102lbs. October-107lbs. Now I'm a freaking whale at 113lbs. I haven't been this fat since last spring after I went on cruise and gained 5 pounds. I can't stand having a jiggling belly or flabby thighs. I'm going to keep cutting back until I stop eating because I miss thin so much.
This is what I should look like